Second Grader Alex Evans has no grenade, but he is the bomb

In this guns-are-bad society we teach our children that everyone who handles a gun is bad.  Really?  Are soldiers bad?  Are heroes bad?  Are children playing ‘rescue the world’ bad?  Apparently so.

Seven year old, Alex Evans played ‘rescue the world’ and tossed an imaginary grenade into a make-believe box to defeat the forces of all evil and was suspended from school.  Mary Blair Elementary School’s policy does not allow for weapons or fighting whether real nor imagined.

In an attempt to make schools safe, children’s thoughts are sanitized.  Self-exploration and expression are stifled in these early formative years.  Are we doing more harm than good?  What happens when you tell an entire generation of children: ‘Don’t save the world - Don’t stand up.’

Keep blowing it up, kid.  Let your imagination go wild.  You are awesome, man.  Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Kim Jong Un's smartphone?

Perhaps you 'keep up' with the Kardashians.  Or follow the Beckhams, those paragons of fashion (Romeo's Burberry campaign just released!).  But I like to style-watch the young general, Kim Jong Un.  He never misses a step.  That's why I was scandalized by this outrageous running-dog capitalist rag, The Atlantic. 

As with any time a photograph of the engimatic leader is released, fashion-forward people are quick to study the pictures looking for new trends to follow.  But it appears they've taken the opportunity to criticise his choice of phones.  How pass nisht! 

In this photograph I see a man with the weight of the world on his shoulders as he possibly contemplates launching long-range nuclear capable rockets into space.  Arguing over who makes his telephone is irrelevant.   Do you see his fur trimmed coat?  It is glorious.  I want to know who his tailor is.  Or at least where I can find a decent knock-off. 

That devil-may-care pouting expression as he turns away from the camera?  The smouldering cigarette? 

You have to admit, Kim Jong Un has got IT. 

Ron Paul's outrageously insensitive tweet proves he's lost the plot

Twitter is for morons.  The only people who deserve to tweet are Mr. T, the GS Elevator Gossip,   NotTildaSwinton, and Zooey asks Siri.   Very few others have mastered the medium.  Case in point: Ron Paul. 

With 140 characters to say the most thoughtless remarks, better left forgotten in passing conversation and an awkward silence, careless words live on and are re-tweeted for mass consumption.  When former SEAL and American Sniper author, Chris Kyle and his fellow veteran Chad Littlefield were murdered at a gun range on Saturday it was sad and tragic. 

The civil and polite thing to do when someone dies is to offer condolences. 

And if you can't say something nice... don't immediately tweet a backhanded political message of 'I told you so.'

Former presidential candidate Ron Paul tweeted:

Chris Kyle's death seems to confirm that "he who lives by the sword dies by the sword." Treating PTSD at a firing range doesn't make sense

Coulda-shoulda-woulda -- two days after a heartbreaking tragedy this tweet is out of step and out of line.  Don't be so quick to judge treating PTSD at a firing range.  Exposure therapy is a technique that helps people to safely face the thing that they find frightening so they can learn to cope with it effectively.  When a horse kicks you, they say, 'Get back in the saddle.'  Gun ranges are safe places to practice with guns.  And who better to work with than Chris Kyle and Chad Littlefield? 

We don't know what the circumstances that Saturday were and it's impossible to go back in time to prevent what happened.  Sticking a knife in the wound does nobody any good.  Quoting Revelations is tasteless.  Neither Kyle nor Littlefield deserved what they got, but that's exactly what they quote means.

Peter Webber at The Week calls Ron Paul's tweet 'puzzling.'
Twitchy refers to him as 'Ghoulish'

Frankly, I think he's lacks a clue.  When he needs to be prompted that manners come first and political bickering is second, he's lost the plot. 

PRO TIP:  Wait until the man is properly buried before you exploit his death for your own gains.  It won't make you less of an asshat, but it will make you sound like less of one.

Hello Dicky, nice to see you.

It's been properly confirmed, DNA testing concludes, the skeleton found belongs to Richard III.  And facial reconstruction has brought his likeness back to life.  At least they got it done by someone who didn't know who the skull was from, and hadn't seen his portrait so as not to contaminate the reconstruction.

Oh wait, that's precisely what they did. Of course he matches his bloody portrait.

Beyonce...

Beyonce, let's talk about your halftime show for a moment.  What the crap was that?  We all know your life has taken on new meaning since Blue Ivy Carter was born, but we did not need a dramatic reenactment of the birth.

Our favorite batshit crazy Geraldo Rivera moments

There aren't too many things that both Perseus and the Sea Monster can agree upon, but we *adore* Geraldo Rivera.  We're not certain if it's the Snidely Wiplash moustache, tussling with hate group members, or the full-on bat shit crazy, but Geraldo definitely brings the WTF-ery to the table.  And this week when he let it slip he was 'in touch with some Republicans' and 'truly contemplating' a Senate run in New Jersey the whimsical fuckery hit a whole new level.  To celebrate this momentous occasion, we've decided to feature our favorite Geraldo Rivera moments.

One of his first television appearances was in Chicago, when he held up regularly scheduled programming for hours to sift through basement junk for The Mystery of Al Capone's Vault... only to find more junk.  This auspicious moment forever shaped his career. From there he went on to expose the ultimate American secret - satanic cultists are living among us.  It's a very well hidden secret, so well hidden, most people don't even know they're satanic cultists.  Actual figures on satanism hovers around 10,000 and claims of abuse are unsubstantiated, but please - don't let facts get in the way of a good story.

He earned his street-cred for awhile during the war in Afghanistan.  That is until, he reported eye-witnessing a friendly-fire incident first hand.  Except, he was 300-miles away at the time it happened.  And then he was ~ahem~ politely asked to leave the country by the 101st Airborne division when he broadcasted the battle tactics (handy map included!) for the following morning.  Soldiers are kinda sensitive about having their lives endangered.  To be fair, he has a bit of trouble reporting on military actions.  When Osama bin Laden was killed, Geraldo infamously said, "Obama is dead."  Can't make this up.

Out of my shot!  During Hurricane Katrina the New York Times alleged he pushed a rescue worker out of the way so he could assist a woman in a wheelchair while filming.  The New York Times published a retraction, but the story persists because people believe Geraldo is capable of doing it.

His cat fights are butter-popcorn-worthy.  Just take his epic spat with Michelle Malkin.  It ultimately caused Malkin to quit.  "It's good she's in D.C., and I'm in New York. I'd spit on her if I saw her." Spit on her?  First, Spitting is a nasty habit.  Second, if there was a fight, FOX would sell both tickets and commercial spots.  Somehow, I'm placing my money on Michelle.

Then there was the hoodie comment heard around the world.  Who is to blame for Trayvon Martin's death?  Now that's a loaded question, but there is room for an intelligent conversation about the night that took the poor young man's life.  However, of all the likely answers, Trayvon Martin's hoodie did not kill him.  Geraldo got this one wrong, but in true Geraldo fashion, his apology was spurious.

Would we like to see Geraldo run for the US Senate?  Hell yeahs! 

We know exactly who he works for and what motivates him.  He couldn't do much worse than what we've got now.  And let's face it, we haven't had as much fun in the Senate since Jesse Helms and Strom Thurmond passed.  Those bastards were a hoot!

Euthenizing a 'Gay' Dog

Meet this poochie.  Isn't he sweet looking?  He's a pit-bulldog mix who came to the Jackson Rabies Control Animal Shelter in Jackson, Tennessee, because his owner didn't want to keep a homosexual dog.  Apparently he sniffed another male dog and attempted to mount him.  Ignoring flippant absurdity for the moment, the dog was modeling dominant behavior by mounting - not indicating a sexual preference.  Sadly the rabies control shelter has a high kill rate and there was no room for him to stay.  But fortunately this story has a happy ending.

An anonymous source posted the story to the Jackson facebook page where the story went viral.  Offers quickly poured in, but he was happily claimed early that morning by new owner Stephanie Frye a vet tech.  Stephanie has named him Elton John and says he's settling in.

Take that, suckers! Your post office has immunity.

In East Cleveland, Ohio, their letter carriers don’t just deliver the mail, they own the city. When sent citations for multiple speeding in school zone infractions, running red lights, and illegal parking, the Post Office’s lawyers responded by saying, ‘Bitch, we don’t owe you nothing.  We got this town.’ 
Actually, what they said was, “…the Postal Service enjoys federal immunity from state and local regulation.”  

Did you hear that?  Immunity.  And you thought only diplomats had it so good.
Reading letters between lawyers is rarely this entertaining.

Serve up some awesomeness at the New York Public Library

The New York Public Library, which has over 45,000 antique menus in its Rare Books Division is looking for volunteers to help transcribe and catalogue these menus, so they can be better searched and accessed.

The menus held a wealth of data ranging from the price of a cup of coffee in 1907 to the preparation and pairing of oysters over time.  If interested in volunteering, or just tracking the project’s progress, check out the New York Public Library.  Hundreds of menus are already available for search.

Stinky diaper case cracked

Furthering our belief that there isn’t anything duct tape cannot do, we humbly submit duct tape diapers as evidence.  And if your first reaction was, ‘someone would have to be on drugs to make a diaper out of duct tape,’ you would be correct.  +4 points to you, my friend.  

Two women, tried to smuggle 6 ½ kilos of cocaine from the Dominica Republic through JFK airport in duct tape diapers, but came to the attention of drug sniffing dogs.

We’re all behind the fine officers who got to the bottom of this case.

Two hundred seventeen dollars

Holy Crap!

Sea Monster is richer than Zimbabwe!

Way to go Bob! He is walking slow and swinging easy!

SM

Place your bets now

Teddy Bear has predicted his winner!  And who could argue with the prognosticative powers of this adorable Erethizon dorsatum?

Oh but wait?  What’s this? Young Canis lupus familiaris  upstarts!

Well, I suppose that clinches it.  Cute animals could never be wrong.  I shall bet my cream soda money forthwith. 

This leads headlines?

This leads headlines?  Ye gads there’s F-all news today.  Either the world is as dull as dishwater or reporters couldn’t spin real news into headline grabbing made-for-masses stories.  I fear the rest of the week will be full of Kardashians.  *shudders*

Stay classy, California

"Martinez already knows Hernandez's dream wedding: a ceremony at the Staples Center."

Eat Bolivians, not quinoa

A taste bouquet!

Of course quinoa is a complete protein, low in cholesterol and sodium; it tastes like bland mush.  But have you tried barbequed Bolivian? Om nom! Nom! Nom!  A culinary delight!   Much more flavorful my friend and they pack far more riboflavin than the measly 12% than quinoa has. 

So, it turns out that Andean people have developed a fondness for Twinkies.  I like Twinkies, too!  And they’re not cheap snacks, so slinging wheat –or whatever quinoa actually is – makes pretty good money.  Maybe I should consider taking up the life of an Andean quinoa farmer, then I could eat all the Twinkies and Bolivians I wanted.  But my scheme depends entirely upon the market value of quinoa staying static or rising.  The moment that tickle-headed, cry-baby, earth mothers start whining about the poor starving Bolivians with nothing but Twinkies to eat, everything goes to pot. 

Don’t stop eating quinoa. 

If you like the nasty taste, fine.  Good on you.  If you like it because it balances the acids in your chichi hoity-toity meal, whatever.  Keep the credit receipts running.  If you’re gluten-free for whatever personal reason – strap an oat-bag to you and feast directly upon quinoa.  You know you want to.

The moment you start boycotting quinoa is the moment the Andeans won’t have the money to spend on Twinkies, or quinoa.  Or schools, or healthcare, or any other of the infrastructure needs that they have, and let’s face it… it’s rural Peru/Bolivia.  They have some needs.  Don’t take a big crap on that because some children have discovered that coke-a-cola tastes good.  They’ve made the discovery because for the first time in their lives, they have access to global markets and can now load their bodies up with high fructose corn syrup. 

The downside of all this is the Bolivian Barbeque market will be irreparably ruined.  With their bodies laced with junk food, I just don’t see how they will be nearly as crunchy, meaty or as nutrient-dense as they once were.  I long for days forgot.

Let them eat cake?

As it’s been recently reported, the result of massive demand for the protein-rich crop quinoa has an effect.  Children living in the crop’s Andean farming region are starving because their parents can no longer afford the market price for their traditional staple food.  Instead of eating the crop, they’ve turned to crap and are living on a nutrient-poor junk food diet.  Before you sniff your nose and say, ‘but I eat junk food three times a day and it doesn’t do me any harm,’ please note the malnutrition and child mortality rate in Peru and Bolivia.  When children are starving, it seems everyone has found someone to blame.

A disgusted Mimi Bekhechi, of the Guardian, said, “animal agriculture that is the real villain because meat consumption is an inefficient use of grain.” Oh yes Mimi, please take this moment to further your own agenda. 

In a drug reference addled rant, Virginia Heffernan of Yahoo! News whinged about the foodies. But I can’t take her seriously, either.  The NY Times says the same thing, only they call them, “health-conscious consumers.”   

My, pointy fingers certainly are sharp! 

There’s more to the story than just hunger.  Increased farming profits means that armed disputes have broken out over previous unclaimed land.  It's a worthless persuit to point fingers at people who enjoy the dish.  Nobody who ordered a quinoa-laced meal did so thinking, 'oooh, I hope I'll opress children with every savory bite.'   Market conditions were simply created.

Whether you believe Whole Foods is the enemy or not, there’s a truth to remember: when a scarce resource is exploited people will get hurt.  Whether it is diamonds and minerals in Africa, oil in the Middle East, tea in Asia, or gold in the Americas.  Pick any banana republic and you will hear a song of sorrow.  It has been the pervading belief that economic-might means right.  By having superior means, any industry can invade, looking to turn handsome profits, and abuse those without means.   And the rest is a sad commentary on our shared world history.

So where does this leave the starving children in Bolivia?  In limbo.  Quinoa is a fad, but coffee and tea both started out as fads, too.  Difficult as this maybe to imagine, in a hundred years our descendants may live off it.  Or, it could be beloved by a smattering of die-hard fans, like marmite!  Though I doubt marmite ever killed anyone…  Some marmite eaters may kill for it, but that would be entirely different.

We’re trying though.  (We as in the big, honkin’ royal WE.)  We are trying to be better, more politically correct, tolerant, less carbon foot-print-y, and entering a new millennium.  We haven’t got it perfect yet.  We’re still getting it wrong and learning from our mistakes, but one thing we’re working towards is ‘making healthier food choices.’  Remember that one from your New Years’ Resolutions?  Thought so.  

Making healthier food choices can mean choosing foods that don’t come with a human price tag attached.  Everyone is responsible for how they shop.  Me?  I shop quinoa-free because I don’t touch most health food with a ten foot pole.  The fact that a ridiculously overpriced $6.00 box of quinoa salad is going towards an oppressive economic machine should make people uncomfortable.  All kidding aside, history has proven this set of circumstances never ends well for the indigenous peoples affected.  Quinoa has a funny name, but is it any different than any other scarce commodity exploited by multi-national corporations?

Stop pushing the blame on foodies, gluten-free dieters, and consumers – do something.  People make the ethical choice to shop cruelty-free all the time by buying local, by buying vegan, by buying free-trade.  Whatever your moral compass is, put quinoa on the map.

Feel free to debate me and tell me I’m wrong in the comments. 
 

Quinoa: a taste for death

Just a few short days ago, Quinoa: a staple crop of connoisseurs, gluten-restrictive diets and indigenous Andean peoples, suddenly burst onto the spotlight.  With such attention-grabbing headlines as:

Eating quinoa may harm farmers, but eating meat harms us all

How many Bolivians are dying because foodies love quinoa?

For Bolivian farmers, the boom is both boon and bane

It was made for a Perseus vs. Sea Monster showdown.

 

About us

Perseus Zeus:

In real life, Perseus has boobies.  In school, Perseus was known an utter swot – which was quite before being nerdy was in vogue.  While active in Model United Nations, Perseus believed she could solve all the world’s problems with a very cleverly written binding resolution and a grand releasing of peace doves.  Now, she is far less certain, though the doves would be a nice touch.  Perseus volunteered to serve in the military and thinks that more people ought to be encouraged to do the same.  She believes it is a wonderful life experience, a civic obligation, and an excellent way to give back. 

For funsies Perseus likes to go to the movies.

Sea Monster:

In real life, the Sea Monster is far less tentacle-ly than one would imagine.  Although, owing to a restrictive diet, he is quite grumpy and stompy and growly.  One of the Sea Monster's favorite life accomplishments was winning a 'best scar competition' at the Snow Bunny Ski Lodge.  On particular occasions, he likes to wear cable knit sweaters, tip a neat glass of scotch and when prompted, sing.  The Sea Monster was drafted to serve in the military and believes all bastards should be forced to do the same. 

For funsies the Sea Monster likes to ruin the ending of movies.

Perseus and the Sea Monster are married happily ever after…